There is a lot of pressure on women to get pregnant once they are married. Today, you would expect people to know better and for the pressure to have died off but that is far from the truth. Friends, family and sometimes the media all have opinions on when a woman should start childbearing.

The opinion of families and friends sometimes are of good intents; however, they can be confronting and stressful especially if the couples are already having difficulties conceiving or generally do not want kids. Can you imagine the frustration a woman feels when constantly asked by people if she has any children, and when she answers no, the other questions that follows…Why? Do you not want to have children? are just examples of the many questions being asked. We need to understand these insensitive acts are just unnecessary and uncalled for. We need to learn to start minding our businesses and stop with the monitoring spirits.

Everyone’s journey in life is quite different and people take different route to get to their destinations. We need to learn to stop intruding and believing that until a woman has a child or children then she is complete. It really is not the case. If you feel you are concerned about someone you know just pray for them rather than put them under pressure; the pressure they are already putting themselves in is enough. If we are to be honest with ourselves it is not easy at all; especially when the people around them who got married after them are already having kids.

 Let us be reminded that this won’t be the case for everyone, as some people have just made the choice to not have kids- or given themselves time to enjoy each other’s company, and in some cases focus on their careers before children come.

I honestly cannot imagine what women having difficulties conceiving must be going through. It is very tough especially when you listen to people’s stories.

Having thought about all these, I believe everyone have the right to make a choice on how they live their lives. Whether you are choosing to have children or not; it does not dehumanise you. In this current climate, having kids is a big job that requires a lot of commitment to nurture that child. You need to make sure you have what it takes; and that you are emotionally and financially balanced and ready to be committed to a commitment that will outlast you.

If you are having challenges hold on to your faith, and your time will surely come.

So today I will be focusing on what personal development is, and 5 ways in which we can improve on it daily. But first, what do we really mean by personal development?

Freddy Davis defined personal development as “simply the process of doing things to make yourself better”. It just simply means working on yourself! It is a way for people to assess their skills and qualities, to consider their aims in life and set goals to realise and maximise their potential.

 Here are (five) things you can do in your daily life to improve your personal development

• Read books- the more books you read, the more you are filled with wisdom. Reading books benefit both your physical and mental health, and the benefits can last a lifetime. Reading books also builds your vocabulary. A 2019 poll conducted by Cengage showed that 69 percent of employers are looking to hire people with “soft” skills, like the ability to communicate effectively. Reading books is the best way to increase your exposure to new words, learned in context.

• Overcome your fears (public speaking)- fear of public speaking is a common form of anxiety which ranges from slight nervousness to panic. Try to practice how you can overcome this fear by trying different techniques to see which one will work for you.

• Wake up early– waking up early like 5/6am has been acknowledged to improve your productivity

• Get out of your comfort zone– being too comfortable and staying in your safe zone does not help you grow. Real growth comes with hard work which is why you must stretch yourself by trying something you would not normally do. This could be in the form of learning a new skill, being more open-minded life experiences etc.

• Identify your weakness- I like this one because we all have something, we are not great at but would want to improve on. e.g., time management, cooking skills, etc.

I have always admired and liked the idea of having a mentor from an incredibly young age, but I never really had that opportunity for reasons unknown to me; probably because I did not put in the effort until recently.

 Who is a mentor? A mentor is a more experienced and knowledgeable person than yourself! A mentor could be older or younger; but what is important is the impact the mentor is making or will make in your life. It is important to understand that you need to be able to trust your mentor as you will be disclosing a lot about yourself to that person. You need to choose someone you trust and respect when it comes to mentor ship.

There are different types of mentoring, but I will be discussing three in this article

• One on one mentoring- this is the traditional form of mentoring and probably the most common. This is where a mentor and mentee enter a mentorship relationship to help the mentee develop or improve in an area, they are struggling in.

• Peer mentoring- can involve friends or colleagues of similar age or educational level taking turns to mentor one another. This kind of mentorship is incredibly good in holding each other accountable for set goals.

• Group mentoring- this type of mentorship is quite common in organisations (work etc.) it usually involves one mentor working with several mentees and the duration is usually short in comparison to the other types of mentoring I have mentioned above. This is also good for team building etc.

The benefits of having a mentor

• Having advice on developing strengths and working on your weaknesses 

• Guidance on professional development and personal development 

• The opportunity to develop new skill and knowledge 

• Exposure to new ways of thinking etc.

How to get a mentor

You can ask someone you look up to or admire their work to be your mentor either via email or face to face. Before asking for a mentor make sure you are clear on your goal and why you think that mentor is good for you. Be strategic and upfront about your time commitment, what you are willing to put into the mentoring relationship and what you expect from them. Let the mentor know what you like about their work especially if its someone you have never met.

Top tips:

• As well as having a mentor it is important for you to be a mentor to others especially youths

• Mentoring is not free, but there are so many mentors who will be willing to offer their services for free depending on the kind of mentoring you seek

• A mentor is not the same as a coach (career or personal development coach).

It is crucial to focus on how the friendships you keep makes you feel rather than what others think. For you to call someone your friend you need to feel comfortable around them without the need to watch what you say. It is worth adding that not every friendship is trustworthy or worth your love and time, so you need to learn to know when to let go.

These days friends are made via social media, usually through shared interests, but most still make friends the traditional way from education, work, mutual friends, neighbours, clubs, places of worship etc. It is believed that when you click with someone, you click no matter the circumstances.  These friendships can then develop to mould you into the person you become in life, hence why its important to surround yourself with positive people.

Benefits of friendship

• Help to reach Goals- your friend will hold you accountable for your set goals e.g., to lose weight, quit smoking, stop drinking, academic goals, business, or career goals or to stop bad habits all together. Whatever the goal; encouragements from friends can make a difference.

•  Support through difficult Times- bad breakup, loss of family or friend, bad day at work or even help through an illness or other family problems

• Improve Your Mood- spending time with happy and positive friends can elevate your mood. This could be in the form of phone calls, to spending quality time together

• A good friend encourages you to be the better version of yourself. They want to see you win because your win is a win for them

• Having friends, you can have an active social life with can help reduce isolation

How do you know what to look for in a friend?

A friend is someone you can trust, depend on, and confide in. It is someone you have communication with without the need to justify yourself.

• A good friend will understand and take you for who you are

• A good friend will show genuine interest in what is going on in your life without intrusion

• A good friend will not be judgemental

• A good friend is someone you share your joy freely with without the need to feel quiet with your good news when you are around them 

• A good friend is a confidant- Someone you can confide in with intimate secrets; and also feels comfortable sharing things about themselves with you. 

There are different types of friends and it is important to know the ones you have in your life. Many have friends, as in lots of friends; but are the friends you keep performing the roles you would like them to perform in your life? Or do you keep friends to add to the numbers? A saying goes, “you are who you attract” but how true is that in terms of friendship?

To BE CONTINUED!!!

Paternity fraud or ‘Paternal discrepancy’ is when a woman deliberately misidentifies/incorrectly identifies a man to be the biological father of her child. The key word for me here is “deliberately”. I guess my next question is why? Why do women deliberately withhold the truth from their partners? Do they not think about the beautiful innocent child? To many, this is an unimaginable act. It is evil, cruel, and wicked.

 The startling truth remains we are all LIARS. its almost like a part of our day to day activity. From little white lies to sinister ones, and the reason given for lying is usually to ‘protect our loved ones’; but are we really? The reality is we lie because we want to control the perception other people have of us. We want to maintain our “status”; we lie because we want to protect our own selfish interest and to control others.

 Research shows that small lies makes it easier to tell bigger ones and when you add self-justification you start to believe the lies yourself. Nobody certainly knows why a woman would want another man to father her child or children. There can be innumerable arguments for and against this motion; and it is important to understand from the persons perspective.

Exploring the different reason might help us understand to an extent but not condone the behaviour. Let us not forget the woman and the man is not just affected by this but the family at large and I am talking the extended family and friends. A lot of people including the child or children’s friends and school etc. this goes further than just the family, but we need to understand there would be emotional breakdown and as well as mental for those most affected.  This is you now understanding your identity, what you have grown up to know and believe is not really yours. It is just unimaginable. Let us not forget exploring the different reasons does not excuse the act. The following below may be some of the reasons.

Newly married couples- a lot of newly married couples, even though are in love and cannot wait to be married to their chosen partner, usually get cold feet closer to the wedding. Some decide to have a last encounter with their ex’s before being “permanently tied down” to their husbands. This last ‘fling’ would usually lead to pregnancy and because the timing is so close and they are now married, automatically the pregnancy becomes the husbands without hesitations. The woman would know or in some cases might be unsure who the pregnancy belongs to, but in the name of “saving my marriage” the woman buries the secret and keeps it to herself.

Male infertility- this is when a man has low sperm production, abnormal sperm function or blockages that prevent the delivery of sperm. Illnesses, injuries, chronic health problems, lifestyle choices and other factors can play a role in causing male infertility. After a woman has been with a partner for a while and has been unable to get pregnant, she might decide to have an affair with someone else and to her surprise gets pregnant for this person etc so decides to keep it making her partner believe the pregnancy belongs to him.

The truth is there is an untold number of men that are unknowingly raising children that are not biologically their own. In 2008 The telegraph newspaper printed a similar story and quoted, “0ne in 50 British fathers unknowingly raises another man’s child”. This cannot be the same for every country as the numbers would vary.

 In recent years, Paternal discrepancy has become immensely popular, and reality tv shows have been made from them such as ‘The Jeremy Kyles show’ with its famous line being ‘You are not the father’. There are also other tv shows around this subject especially In the US such as ‘Jerry Springer’ etc.

I believe nobody starts with the intention to hurt the people they care about, and life has a funny way of turning out differently than we plan for. One thing we need to understand is to always tell the truth no matter how badly it hurts.

Gratitude. 

‘Gratitude’ is Thankfulness, Gratefulness- it’ s a feeling of appreciation shown by a person to another being or God. We show gratitude everyday knowingly or unknowingly! Situations do not have to be perfect for us to show gratitude or appreciation. We know things could be worse and that makes us thankful.

One formula I have adopted in life is the act of gratitude to God and Man. Nobody owes you anything, and if someone shows you love you appreciate it. 

This might be an insensitive time to write this topic as the world is going through a phase it has never experienced before, at least in our lifetime. A lot of negativity going on; news headlines are not appealing, there is panic and chaos everywhere.

The government is being thrown into a world they have never been in, and a world they would never have imagined in their lives; but nevertheless putting on heroic hats to do what they can to reassure the public of their safeties and the steps they will take in achieving that objective.

Thousands of people have lost their lives, and many are in hospital beds not knowing when they will be reunited with their loved ones again. Families in disarray as to what the future holds. Hundreds losing their jobs and not sure how to put the next meal on the table. Companies both big and small facing losses as they are unable to provide services. The list is endless! So, I get it when people are crying because they cannot bury their loved ones or bid their final goodbyes. I also get it if they feel there is nothing to be thankful for amid it all. 

One thing I know for certain is, there Is nothing that happens, without God knowing. Everything is seasonal. A season when people are born, and a season when people die- more like recycling! A clearer example would be the different seasons we have in the UK where we experience different changes, all of which impacts our lives. In Spring, the weather gets warmer trees/plants begin to grow new leaves.

In summer, as we are aware is the hottest season and has long sunny days! Autumn- the weather becomes mild and leaves start falling from its trees; and lastly, Winter is the coldest of all these seasons.

 I guess the point I am trying to make is all these seasons/weather have different impact on people’s lives. Different things happen in each season, You will hear different people talk about how they prefer one season to another e.g., winter because it’s nice and cold and they get to experience snow (don’t ask me why?) and some prefer summer because they get to wear nice comfy clothes etc.

The same goes for our personal lives! We have times when things are not so great e.g., breakdown in relationship(s), and times when we are at our peaks- great career or success

I can only conclude in saying what this season (Covid-19) is trying to teach us is that we need each other more than we ever realised. It is in these uncertain times that we see communities merge regardless of their race or religion. Differences being put aside and kindness being at the forefront of it all. Volunteers in their thousands and some even kind enough to leave foods on the doorsteps of their neighbours. This pandemic showed us what we have been lacking as human race! It showed us Unity! It showed us love! And it also showed us that every “lives matter”. Through it all, its showing us to adopt a heart of gratitude even when things are not so perfect. 

Topic 1: PURPOSE

What is Purpose? and why is it important to live a purpose filled life?

Writing from my own understanding without the help of a search engine, i understand ‘Purpose’ to be the sole reason for our existence in this world. Everyone in this world is here on earth to serve a purpose; We are here to meet the need or needs of another.

Your purpose is that thing(s) you find yourself consciously or unconsciously doing. It is that thing God has deposited in you to transform or inspire another’s life. This could be in the form of a smile as we will discuss in detail soon. “You have a beautiful smile, or she’s always smiling”. It could even come in the form of creativity. e.g., cooking skills- always throwing different ingredients together to make a great meal. Purpose/Gifts can come in different shapes and sizes and not knowing what your purpose is yet is OK!

Everyone is called into the world to fulfil different assignments and the assignment is unique to the individual. What worries me the most is our plight to always fit into the social construct society has deemed important, rather than going on a quest to find our true selves.

Even though I talk about a gift being big or small, it does not necessarily mean it’s invalid or it has to be out there. It is about the sheer joy or satisfaction we derive from doing it.

A lot of time we ask ourselves or acquaintances “What is my purpose?” “What am i good at?”. Personally I have been on this boat, and in all honesty i still am- this is because i am still trying to find myself and be all that God wants me to be. You know when you are certain there is something missing, even though you have it all (great career/ successful business, and even a family of your own, or not depending on the individual). I think what most of us don’t understand is, or should I say what most of us are expecting is for our ‘Purpose’ to be huge or to be seen by others as acceptable; or even be something we become well known for e.g. owning a charity or have a cure for a virus or disease to save lives.

What i have recently discovered is that our purpose can be as little as smiling at a total stranger, or helping someone through a difficult time. To us, we might think isn’t this the norm? people do it on a daily basis, but what we need to understand is, the smile we give that stranger might be what they needed to get through the day or a difficult time.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton